It Was
by MusicalMelody001
Summary: It was difficult falling in love with your best friend. Loki/Balder One-shot


**Hello, my lovelies! For those of you who read my other stories, I know it's been a long time since I've been really active. I'm really sorry. But, as they say, sometimes life gets in the way of the things we want to do. Moving on, though, I've had this piece mostly done for a long time, and just recently revisited it. These babies need more love! So, I touched it up a bit, and decided to go ahead and post it. I was debating adding another paragraph about after the series ends, but I wasn't sure. Let me know what you think. Thanks so much for reading, and reviewing if you've chosen to. I hope you guys enjoy!**

 **Disclaimer : I do not own Kamigami no Asobi.**

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It was strange to be treated nicely. Loki was so used to being yelled at, exiled, hated, that the sudden kindness was foreign. Scary. He worried that maybe, it was just another joke. Another cruel trick to make him hate himself almost as much as the world seemed to abhor him. But as time passed, the strange boy's smile never wavered, his laughter never faltered, he never failed to greet Loki with the most cheerful expression in his eyes that Loki had ever seen.

It was hard having friends. People you could trust, people you could count on. It took time to get used to, and even then it still felt strange. Even years later, he could never get rid of the nagging feeling that one day his luck would run out, and they would leave him just like that. As much as being with them made him feel a strange lightness in his chest, which he had never quite experienced before let alone discover a name for, there was always that one dark thought lingering in the back of his head.

It was a lot of work being best friends. There were so many social expectations, rituals so deeply ingrained in the others that he didn't have a clue about. He stumbled about, trying to fulfil the needs he hadn't known were there, trying to not disappoint but not knowing how. Thankfully they understood, they knew he had trouble expressing himself, that he was clueless about certain things, and offered to help. When he refused, insisting to do it all on his own, they merely stood by him, saying nothing but never letting their pride and confidence in him waiver.

It was difficult falling in love with your best friend. The light, happy feelings in his chest changing, his thoughts running off without permission, his sudden tension at gestures that otherwise he would have not paid any mind to. He tried to hold it back, force himself not to change anything in his friendship, scared that one wrong move would make it all fall apart. But bits and pieces leaked out. Side glances from afar, the thinly veiled touches that Balder was so quick to write off, the slightly possessive words that spoke volumes if you knew how to listen. It was all he could do; the only way to show his overwhelming emotions for the only one who could never know how he truly felt, knowing he was oblivious but loving him all the same. So, he kept quiet, muffling his noises so not to be heard from the next room, as he shamefully sullied the image of his best friend. Satisfaction and guilt swarmed him, love and self-hatred fighting for dominance in his heart and mind, neither winning yet blending together as lay spent in his bed, breathing heavily not but ten feet away from the person he loved dearly on the other side of the wall.

It was torture knowing you were going to kill your best friend. A war waged in his mind, both wanting to spend eternity with him, but also wanting to have the eternity to exist. The end of the world was a bad thing, but the thought of living without Balder felt almost worse. Could Loki trade Balder's life, and thus the meaning of his own, for the world? He wasn't sure that he could. Ultimately, it was both his selflessness and his selfishness, disguised as each other, that made the decision for him. If he didn't kill him, then there were two options. Either someone else would, or Balder would destroy the world. The second option didn't bother Loki as much, for all he really ever cared about was the light god himself, but Balder was very loving. Balder cared for everything, living or not, and would never be able to deal with causing such destruction. He would live, yes, but he would be dead inside. Trying to hide it for Loki's sake, until it became too much, and then he would take matters into his own hands, being one of the only two things in the world that could possibly hurt himself. Balder was too sweet, too loving, too pure for such self-hatred. Loki would kill him, taking away the possibility of such a horror of even taking place. Loki would take the betrayed look and Balder's hate, simply so he wouldn't have to.

It was unbearable planning to stab the love of your immortal life in the back. As Loki thought of everything Balder had ever done for him, of how drastically he had affected his life, of how he gave him the freedom to feel - to love, he knew that it would destroy him. Killing Balder would be like killing himself, stabbing a knife through his own heart as much as Balder's flesh. The most he could do was make it quick, so Balder wouldn't have to suffer. Then, once he was gone, once all light and meaning had left the world the cold, desolate, meaningless place that it was before they had met, Loki would take the dagger out of Balder's body. He would place him neatly on the ground, taking one last minute to look at his love, pale, beautiful, and perfect even in death. The dagger, so vile in its atrocities and covered in blood, would then be lead by his hand, full of such darkness, emptiness, and hate, the only things left now that his love was gone, and kill once more. Loki could not live with having done something so sacrilegious, and maybe, with this he could absolve some tiny fraction of his sins. In death, at least he could tell himself that maybe, he could have his eternity with his love, even if a deep part of him felt that their eternities would lie in places much different, and far apart.

It was earth-shattering to watch your entire world throw himself off a cliff. The words of love on his lips, the one thing in the world Loki had always yearned to hear, tainted by the horrifying moment. How in a split second, everything could change, his body instantaneously overflowing with panic. The fear and shock, Balder's name being ripped from his lips like his heart was being ripped from his chest, the sudden surge into motion, diving in after him, the words _don't die, don't die, don't die_ reverberating in his mind. All his thought, planning, and struggle for nothing. All because Balder, his beautiful, perfect, _stupid_ love had wanted to save him. To prevent him, such a lowly vile creature, from the pain of committing the worst act he could ever imagine. Only for it to _NOT MATTER_ because _he fell anyway_! Only for Loki to come _so close,_ Balder just barely out of arm's reach. Only for Loki to be given one tiny, torturous, fleeting second of hope before the unthinkable happened. Balder - sweet, loving, pure, _precious_ _Balder_ \- became surrounded with light, and started to destroy the world around him.


End file.
